I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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