Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
