did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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