So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
