just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize