At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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