he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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