So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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