When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize