I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
