My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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