i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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