if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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