Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
