A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Randomize
