i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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