Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
