I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
