i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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