I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
