I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
