i just sent this text using only my big toe
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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