A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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