I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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