Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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