I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
