i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
