thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
