I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
