She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
