You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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