Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize