i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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