Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
