You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
