He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
