I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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