Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
