oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
