kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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