he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
