Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize