I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
