I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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