There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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