Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
