he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
