i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
