thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
