Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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