Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
