I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you win again, gameday.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
