I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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