Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
