just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Terrible idea I love it
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
