matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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