do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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