I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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