dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
