My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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