i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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