i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
