Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
