I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
