If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
