I haven't been this sober since birth.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
