see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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